Wednesday, May 4, 2011

No beef...please

The honeymoon is o-v-e-r.  For a while we were floating in pure "you can do no wrong" bliss, but that ended like cold water to the face in the middle of a sweet dream.  Now don't get me wrong, we still have GREAT days.  Better than great.  Super fantastic days.  "I'm so happy I'm going to bust out and do a James Brown dance" type days.  But lately, most days leave me caught between exhaustion and seeing red.  I'm talking MAJOR BEEF.  Then the games begin...the blame game, who can hold out speaking the longest, then cat and mouse make up (He tries to reconcile, I reject it.  Then I try to reconcile and he rejects it because I did).  It lasts for DAYS...and the once obnoxiously harmonious couple turns into to a pair of fools...too stubborn to apologize, too prideful to accept blame/responsibility, and too jaded from past relationships to listen, think or see clearly.

The sad part is the arguments are all a series of molehills made into mountains:  which couch to buy, you don't say thank you, you didn't leave where you were to meet me me fast called me "lame"...and the silly list goes on!  To his credit, he may argue me down and never apologize, but he makes note of everything and makes adjustments to avoid the same problem in the future (that's what really matters, right?).  To my credit, I may get PISSED, but I can't stay mad long.  I can go from seeing red to hugging it out in minutes.  I call it "self-correction."   He calls it "crazy," and
my sudden change of heart usually aggravates him more and we end up in ANOTHER round of cat and mouse.  Yes, my "self-correction" is definitely ummmm...bipolar-ish...but I can't always keep these raging hormones least I have an internal checking mechanism!  Sheesh...

Not to diminish the reasons he (at times) irritates me out of my right mind, but what calms me is knowing that he is still my guy...that I do want to keep, love, honor and cherish.  So choosing to stay mad is choosing to live in misery, when I just want to get back to my "Hey! Get On Up-Ah!" James Brown dance, and this incredible friendship that we share and fun we have together.

But how do we kill this defeating cycle? How do we lock out negative energy like doubt, fear and mistrust so they don't erode a relationship worth preserving?  It doesn't help that many variations of "maybe this isn't meant to be" has spilled out of my mouth in the midst of our challenging times.  I know, you don't say that!  I don't even MEAN that or want that! But I'm a girl, who once upon a time loved a boy that cheated, so I left.  Then loved a boy that wasn't ready, so he left.  Then loved a boy who then impregnated another girl and chose his family.  Then was engaged to a boy, who quit.  Then loved a boy who disappeared. Maybe I don't know how to pick them, or maybe I drive them away...but in the back of my mind I'm afraid this relationship won't last either. 

So "Go! I don't care!" I say...when I really want to say "Please don't you leave me (too)"...For him to answer my (arms crossed) "Maybe this isn't meant to be!" with "Stop it woman.  We'll get through this and I'm here to stay."  But he's no mind reader, and today, I love not a boy, but a man.  And especially with his flaws, I have never met a man so perfect for me.   They say it takes 22 to days to form a new habit, so I'm shed this baggage and renew my faith in true love and build a habit of harmony and peace in our relationship.  And maybe...just maybe he'll let down some bags too.  Because honestly, as much as I adore his angel daughter (my little jellybean), I don't know how much more I can take of him comparing me to her mother, spawn of Satan, Queen of Darkness.  *Eyes rolling* I mean really...really?!

Hopefully I can find a way to get these feelings out of my head and off the computer screen to reach the one person that matters in all build a future better than the best of our past.  Stay tuned...