Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My eyes (were) green

...'cause I eat a lot of vegetables...or so I'd like to think. Envy, is truly a beast. The amazing thing is those of us who share the hater gene (it's not our fault, it's genetic honey), will never admit that our "hate" really stems from envy...otherwise we wouldn't care. All the while we hate aloud, our subconscious is secretly wishing for something someone else has, that we don't. Unfortunately, I'm learning the hard way that you have to be careful what you wish for.

Now despite this genetic predisposition to hate on others, I have been making a diligent effort to genuinely share in the success and joy of others. I'm proud to say that 98.9% of the time it works...but 1.1% of the time I do think "why not me?" My mind starts to drift and I start wishing, praying for, and obsessing over specific things I've seen others obtain. Hindsight is really 20-20, because I did not realize how fixated I was on this idea, until now.

I know, spit it out already. (I'm getting to it, I promise) I think pretty highly of myself. Not in a pretentious way, but more a "I know I have flaws, and I'm trying to grow, but I am happy with me" type way. I also believe that we should be good to each other, and charitable because what you put out into the universe is what you receive in return. So essentially, I sometimes become disillusioned that ALL super fantastic wonderful things should happen to me TOO. This is a farse, I know...but I told you I'm flawed. Anyway, I once heard the story of a friend who's ex stomped his heart. Like Rick James on Eddie Murphy's couch stomped. Ouch. Right. A year or so later the ex begins dating someone new, and five months later she's engaged.

Aside from my sincere concern for his acceptance, recovery and happiness, the hater in me wondered how the hell she did it...and what the hell I needed to be doing. Keep your minds out of the gutter good people. I started reading books, and seeking advice from married friends and completely changed up my game plan. My intentions were to get happily married...but my subconscious was strapped with a stop watch. Like a miracle, Mr. Fantastic (and fine) appeared. And since the moment we met it was like riding a solid gold rocket ship to heaven. Five months later he proposed. 25 days later he broke it off with a forecast of 0% reconciliation. The next day I shrugged my shoulders and resolved "if not him, someone better" and I believed it.

So as I get back in the market for Mr. SUPER Fantastic, I recognize that a speedy engagement isn't a guarantee for a lasting marriage. I realized that only time can produce unconditional love and genuine friendship...the foundation for a successful union. THAT, is worth the wait. I'm thankful for the chance to begin anew, and hopefully get that part right next time. Now, instead of wishing for what others have, I will pray to accept what God has designed for me. But I think my mother said it best: "Well, you're making progress. At least this time you got a ring. Next time will be the real thing!" You said it Mom. My sentiments exactly.


  1. Nice piece. The subconscious mind is a beast. Keep writing.

  2. Speaking from experience...speedy does not equal happy. Remember this: The only thing worse than wanting to be married is wading through a divorce.