Saturday, August 28, 2010

Slap in the Face(book)

Ok...well, that's not exactly true.  I am on facebook...but I do believe that the puppet strings controlling my life have been handed over to Satan, and facebook is his muse.  Rather than take down pictures and erase all the ex-beau pics last year, I curtailed a world-wide breakup by suspending my facebook account.  Periodically I'd sneak on to look at pictures, and to slowly reselect "friends" that earned the right to know all my bin-ness.  But for 7 months I was 98% single sexy and facebook free.

Then reality kicked in...and I realized that without a virtual thumb print, in many ways you don't exist.  I mean, of course if your peer circle is Blanche and the Golden Girls you're fine with your corded house phone with no call waiting...but for everyone else, social networking is a must.

So after my 7 month social hibernation, I reactivated my account, and jumped back into the virtual world like I never missed a beat.  That's when the Devil (I'm sure in an effort to humor God) grabbed my puppet strings.  I started reaching back (like I always do) trying to rekindle love I thought I new...when I SWEAR I had resolved to to myself to move forward, not backward.  And eventually...I even pulled up my ex-beau's page.  I know...I know...but I was curious.  He had gotten a little stockier and it made me feel good to see him looking worse than I remembered him with me. (Don't front, you would too.)

But right in the middle of my NEKKID moment - my try-and-be-patient, open-up-and-give-your-best moment - with my rekindled flame of yesterday, facebook slapped me in the face.  I mean Rick James "What did the five fingers say to the face" kind of slap.  I pulled up my ex's page and he is...

ENGAGED!  9 months after our engagement ended, and Sherman Klump (yes I'm exaggerating but roll with it) has found him a WIFE, and I can't even lock down a solid relationship.  To add insult to injury...or a kick in the gut to my Rick James' slap in the face...the same DAY I find out about the engagement, my rekindled flame pulls out citing that he loves me but needs to take a step back and be honest with himself so he can be 100% with me.  "I'm not throwing in the towel, I just need time to find clarity.  I'm not confused, just unsure" *bbm dead face*  Real quotes...and it smelled familiar...just not sure if the scent is "other woman" or "bullsh*t".  Either way, what is clear is that once again "he's just not that into [me]."

And so now, I'm in this weird space. In the middle of Ramadan, fasting without food or water from sunrise to sunset, at the most humbled and vulnerable place I have ever been, and feeling like Satan is manipulating my life and God is laughing at it all unfold.  Forget about the slap...and the kick in the's this ongoing joke at my expense that hurts the most.  

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