I've been stressed before...but not more than a good pep talk from Cool Pops could fix. But at this very moment, it's like I'm standing in the middle of a building, watching the walls crumble around me, and all I have is one brick in my hand. I don't know where to begin...I don't know how I got here...and I'm here in the middle of this big mess alone.
My girlfriend told me I'm one of the most resilient people she knows...that I can bounce back from anything...but the knots in my stomach just keep tightening. I googled "de-stress techniques at work" but somewhere between inhaling in my right nostril *pause for 5 seconds* and exhaling out of my left nostril, I realized this was more a confusing distraction than a solution. Moments like this you wish for your knight in shining armor to remind you that you don't need this job...you have his support, and the support of your family. But *finger snap* back to reality, I DO need this job...well, I need A job. I just really want to continue to excel in this job.
My manager expressed her concern that it appears I struggle performing through conflict, and need to always be in a favorable environment...and although I don't know how much she has been able to observe of me outside of this clusterphuk...she is right that I do crave positive working environments. I do thrive in supportive, encouraging environments where my voice is heard, and my ideas are recognized...but don't we all? Is that really such a bad thing to not want to be miserable, disrespected and stifled? Have I deluded myself by expecting this utopia?
Inevitably, any job has its challenges. Perhaps always expecting blue skies is the real failure. So as this looming gray cloud still hovers above my head, I've decided to remember that this too shall pass. "Verily with every difficulty comes ease." And as I fight to not let them see me sweat, cry, stumble or vomit, I will also fight to emerge a better woman. But do trust...that whenever the leadership gods smile down on me and grant me my own kingdom, I'll do my damndest to make sure no woman in my reach has to endure this battle...and to prove that positive, collaborative and encouraging work environments yield better results any day. Just you wait.